Click below to hear Mr. Vinégar read this passage
I am a light sleeper. I need dark and quiet and the slightest noise or bright light can wake me. If I don’t get enough sleep I become irritable. Ms. Graben claims that I’m naturally irritable and that my sleeping habits have nothing to do with it. What Ms. Graben doesn’t realize is that certain voices affect me like a bad toothache and hers is one of them.
Jonesy on the other hand can sleep whenever or wherever he wants. The TV or the radio can be on; it makes little difference to him. If he wants to sleep he simply curls up and within minutes is dead to the world. I’ve also noticed that he will sleep for three days on the couch, for another three on the window sill, and for another three on the grey cushion. He continues this routine until he gets bored and then he dreams up another. It’s harmless.
What isn’t harmless, however, is his waking me in the middle of the night demanding to be let out. Even as I stumble to the front door he suddenly decides he needs to eat first. I cannot tell you how many times I have stood in the doorway, a cold wind rattling my bones, while Jonesy finishes his marinated morsels of salmon feast in gravy. For a while we came to an agreement that he would go out at eleven o’clock whether he wanted to or not. Somehow that agreement has been forgotten so now I get up every night whether I want to or not.
If it rains heavily or is unexpectedly cold I, of course, relent and Jonesy remains inside. On those occasions he inevitably makes a bee line for my bed. At first, I thought this was a sign of love, but I’ve quickly discovered it’s nothing of the kind. He makes himself comfortable in the middle of the duvet and gets upset when I try to move him. Consequently, I have often spent nights curled up around him and have woken with more cricks in my spine than the hunchback of Notre Dame. All of this could be avoided if the landlord simply installed a cat door, but the landlord seems to believe that the front door is a piece of sacred architecture which cannot be altered in any way. So I do not see a change in my sleeping habits occurring in the near future.
Click below to hear Jonesy read this passage
Regarding sleeping with the TV or the radio on – It’s just a question of mind over matter. I don’t understand any of it anyway, so I’m not missin’ anything. As for moving around, I slept next to the window during that hot spell so I could feel the breeze. Other times I like to sleep on the couch especially when Mr. V has already sat there – ‘coz it’s already warm. I mean, it’s not rocket science!
Of course whenever I’m sleeping Mr. V always has to sit down right next to me and start bugging me. Jone-zee! Jone-zee! What are you doing? What does it look like I’m doing? I’m sleeping! He strokes me for a minute or so and then he leaves! Now I’m wide awake. I have to lick all the places he’s stroked because the hair isn’t laying flat and then go sleep on the floor because I know he won’t bother me there.
As for taking up room on his bed, if I get there first I’d be stupid if I didn’t make myself comfortable. Duh!